If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
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Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.