@TwinSurvivalist: If I hear a bump in the night, I'm hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
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@aka_fatman: I played the word "mature" in a game of Scrabble. My friend played "immature" and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
@hazelmotes1: You literally misuse the word "literally" every time you say it. And I figuratively want to punch you in the face. Literally.
@ItsAndyRyan: Me: "I can't turn on the shower" Plumber: "It's seen you naked so often the excitement's gone. Try dressing up" *Hands over shower cap*
@EndhooS: [describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.