If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
happy valentine’s day to me
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.