If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
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When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Guys, I found it.