If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
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WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion