@putyoursisterd1: "If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!"
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
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@theshamingofjay: Life Goals Me at 14 - get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex Me at 34 - get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex
@tomipuff: I would like a warm hound please "Excuse me?" A flaming puppy "..." Fire canine "Do you want a hot dog, ma'am?" Yes. A scorching pooch
@5exyunchained: How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
@iamspacegirl: Dad Dragon: If we weren't supposed to eat them they wouldn't come w plates and toothpicks now finish ur damn knight Teen Dragon: I hate you
@clintwebster: When people post about their 5 year olds, they're talking about wine right?
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