@putyoursisterd1: "If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!"
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
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@Jandalize: I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
@TheBeerGuy73: My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed. Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
@Ngamsi_: Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
@YoungNobler: Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
@aparnapkin: "Doctor, how bad is it?" "I mean, you're just not a great singer. I don't know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is."
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