"If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!" -a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

@ericsshadow: COMMERCIAL: [a man is having his bloody infected foot amputated] Narrator: SHOES

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@SergioValenCo: Don't scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

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@Love_bug1016: Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

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@bea_ker: *blood everywhere* "What kind of ANIMAL would DO this?" Well, that's a gazelle Jeff, so probably a lion *to other ranger* Jeff's new here

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@Crunch11b: I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

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