If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
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ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.