When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
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My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
i smell a pulitzer
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Beware…..
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
🙄😏😂🤣
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.