@DepecheALAmode: If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say "It's on the house."
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@ItsAndyRyan: First date Her: Wow this place is posh Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we'd like to order food Waiter: Entrées? Me: No, on plates, you fool
@TheBoydP: My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend's house for the evening like she didn't see me get in the pool.
@sixfootcandy: Lose wallet. Panic. Ask everyone if they’ve seen it. Tear your car and house apart. Drive all over the city retracing your steps. Give up. Cancel credit and debit cards. Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand. Blame the dog