MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
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Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
🤭😂
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.