I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
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It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
SPLOOT
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!