If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
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Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
The three genders.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value