Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
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Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
What kind of a cult is this?
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship