If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
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My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Thursday Thought.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.