@AntiJokeTyrone: If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
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@TheTweetOfGod: The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what's truly important in life, like their iPhones.
@CerebralWreck: Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear? Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
@That_Damn_Duck: Some of you should not be allowed to procreate and if you have to google what procreate means, then I’m talking about you in particular.