If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
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Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.