If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die
You Might Also Like
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
HOW DARE YOU
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”