@_Tempo11: If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that's just me flirting
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@WiseguyPictures: The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you've taken a large hit from helium balloon.
@BigRadMachine: Me: *disappears for a few weeks* Friends: *No concern* Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB* Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
@ohheyohhihello: BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags? ME: Of course! BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
@TomTheWicked: Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game? Me: because mommy isn't there to do it.