If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
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I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.