If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
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There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I feel attacked.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
did it work
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO