If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
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Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
This is my bus stop.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Was it something I said?
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”