@nowarranty: If I say, "Don't worry, I'm on it," there's a 98% chance I'm referring to my couch.
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@KylePlantEmoji: Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
@UncleDuke1969: Cardinal: Ordinations are down Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster? C: Slogan? P: "We separate the men from the boys!" C: Um... Any other ideas?
@duplicitron: When God made raccoons he was like do you want to be an old timey burglar or a trash digger. Too slow. You're both now.