@nowarranty: If I say, "Don't worry, I'm on it," there's a 98% chance I'm referring to my couch.
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@TheMichaelRock: If Daryl doesn't get laid this season, I'm gonna have to say that this documentary is fake. #TheWalkingDead
@NurseMurderer: If a party with all dudes is called a "sausage fest", I request that we start calling all girl parties "taco time".
@aka_fatman: "What does your mother do for a living?" "She sells shesells...I mean...Sea sells sea shells...dammit! She's...a beachside entrepreneur."