@nowarranty: If I say, "Don't worry, I'm on it," there's a 98% chance I'm referring to my couch.
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@lemonmartinis: How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some earbuds in your pocket 2) wait one minute
@goodballs: If your bf/gf is mad at you put a cape on them and say, "Now you're super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
@noogscorner: Hendrix didn't need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
@IamEnidColeslaw: the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials