@nowarranty: If I say, "Don't worry, I'm on it," there's a 98% chance I'm referring to my couch.
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@MUMSIEesq: [Parent-Teacher Conference] Teacher: ..if another kid is mean to her, she calmly walks away Me: *flips table* WHICH KID IS MEAN TO HER?!?!
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don't like to? Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables. 5: Because Mom is scary? Bingo.
@stevevsninjas: [immortal aliens studying us] After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don't know what happens next.