If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
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I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”