If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
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Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over