If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
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Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
adam and eve had first world problems
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.