She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
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I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Gods work.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.