If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
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This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
⛄️
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
This kid is going places
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”