If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
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Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions