My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
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Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning