If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
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I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
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My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
💯😂
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.