If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
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My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
💁🏻♂️
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month