priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
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My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
dutch so unserious
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !