@leshnevsky: If I stabbed someone with icicle, no one would find the murder weapon, because it melts. This thought is haunting me.
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@SmartassChef: Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
@iwearaonesie: [playing hangman] wife: Pick a letter son: Does it have to be from the alphabet? me *gets up* wife *sound of his college fund jar breaking*
@SatansTongue: Where is your 1,000 word essay? "Right here" *pulls out selfie* That's a picture... "A picture is worth 1,000 words" *becomes valedictorian*
@kv8: Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn't know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.