If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
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I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ