If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
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AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT