Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
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I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.