@MableGertrude: If I was a bodybuilder I would slather up with grease and slide to work instead of driving to save money.
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@Rhythms_n_Booze: I remember this one time I ran out of gas. It was pretty scary. Almost dark. I was all alone. I mean it was a lawnmower, but still.
@Reverend_Scott: [1st day working at bank] BOSS: What are you doing?? ME: I gave that man a personal loan. BOSS: YOU'RE THE JANITOR
@TheCiscoKidder: My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn't find it so we're outside watching the house burn.
@somecleverthing: I just had the thought "pfft. Your father can't die before you are born," and I believed it for a full minute. Because I'm smert.