@NicestHippo: "So did you get lucky last night?" You better believe it! [flashback to me making all green lights omw home after girl refused to kiss me]

@TheOneTrueDisco: You think you're hardcore? Watch THIS! *Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

@citizenkawala: Friend: Wanna go for a run? Me: From what?

@thenatewolf: *sees a guy snap fingers at a server. I reach for my bag* Wife: No. We only have one left. We have a baby. Me: (to genie) take his fingers

@Jordan_Morris: To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I'm sorry I only knew you as "Waffle Goth." You were surely more complex.