@Fred_Delicious: [Biden runs into the oval office] "Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed"

@BritXMeh: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and you're a Nigerian prince who needs my bank details. If you're reading this Adewale, call me?

@pleatedjeans: Me: we're throwing a surprise party for Tim Wife: don't you hate Tim? Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

@Try2StopME: Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

@YES_IM_RUDE: FUN FACT: Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.