@ISOremarkable: if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of "ice, ice, baby."
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@Fred_Delicious: [Biden runs into the oval office] "Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed"
@BritXMeh: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and you're a Nigerian prince who needs my bank details. If you're reading this Adewale, call me?
@pleatedjeans: Me: we're throwing a surprise party for Tim Wife: don't you hate Tim? Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
@Try2StopME: Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.