@ISOremarkable: if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of "ice, ice, baby."
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@RhiannonOcean: Ok people, I think the big take away from 2016 is that it's really bad luck to start the year by shooting a gorilla
@inojperez: [Family Dinner] Me: Grandma, please pass the updog. Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose* Grandma: What's updog? Me: Not much, how about you?
@iwearaonesie: wife: Would you ever want an open marriage? me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they'd have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
@TheCiscoKidder: My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.