if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
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fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.