@rmfnord: If I was a ghost, I'd write "Happy Birthday" in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it's still your birthday.
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@Heldinchains: You gotta wet it first, doesn't work dry. The wetter the better. -whistling you perverts
@genehunter1: Twitter is the only place where you're thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.
@uncle_fescue: Judge: jury, how do you find the defendant? Me: [whispering] dude, he's like…right there. Judge: there's no talking Me: [pointing]
@DanLaMorte: Kids here's a tip. Next Christmas leave Santa marijuana cookies and watch how happy your parents magically become the next morning