If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
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As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
LMAO.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.