If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
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hamburger doesn’t need your help.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
me and my fake scenarios
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?