@SadPeruna: If I was a magician I'd ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
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@wandering_leaf9: *Me & dog* *duel for the last piece of chicken* *tosses a stick to distract* *fetches the stick* *chicken is gone* Well played Peanut...!!
@jwoodham: FACEBOOK: Hey, remember me? I'm a girl you met in college, in that one class. We never really talked. Anyway, here's 97 pictures of my baby.
@Jeffwni: [hears a voice in the sky] - Is it you? GOD?! [kneels] Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
@TheIronSherk: If my ex had an autobiography it would be called "Mein Cramps" What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?