@SadPeruna: If I was a magician I'd ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
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@MatCro: [watching TV] GF: Tickle my back please ME: Is that nice? GF: Little bit higher ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
@ChaseMit: My girlfriend's car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
@envydatropic: According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80's that brought you any level of fame