If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
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Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
much to think about
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman