If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
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people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
He a real one for that
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*