Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
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The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”