I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
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A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.