spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
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[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
hey, alexa
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
omg leave her alone
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.