If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
You Might Also Like
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.