If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
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Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Double negatives are never not confusing.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
when the buffet is more honest than your date
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”