If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
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I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?