If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
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Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
same energy
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.