If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
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Become ungovernable.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
the red hot silly peppers
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
The news
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.