If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
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My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
If a snake ate a cake
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*