If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
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[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
ready to be harvested
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛