If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
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[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it