If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
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Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Just a bush.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.