If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
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instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.